be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool
cop: who the hell ordered all these pizzas
me: you said i got one phone call
how do you ask what a glass of water is doing?a glass of water is an inanimate object and is incapable of having a thought process or understanding english
water you doing
trying to turn my lil bro into a furry. any tips?
"I can help"
this means something. right?
[LOUD ANGRY YELLING]
this fucking fandom has the most painful jokes ever
[PUNCHES A WINDOW]
coming out of your room at 3 am and seeing your parents
there are five frogs staring at me right now
but only one can be america’s next top model
you’re such a b**** (bagel)
why is ewan mcgregor saying that in front of a waterfall
a magician asks you to pick a card - any card, in fact. you do. they ask you to put the card back in the pack - anywhere in the pack, in fact. you do. they walk away. ten years later, your wife gives birth to the six of clubs. “is this your card?” the midwife asks, in a familiar voice.
what the fuck
my mom told me to put the dog to bed but didn’t specify which bed
what if people named their kids when they turn 18 so the kid has a name that fits its personality